By Erin Epstein
There are no two people who deal with grief and the loss of a child the same
I can only speak to what it’s taught me
Although there have been many layers of grief
I have learned so much about myself
I carry a lot of guilt that I know in my heart isn’t warranted
Yet, I’ve still learned so much about my worth and my value
I believe that my children are still with me
Helping to guide me and bringing peace to my heart
Again, this doesn’t heal the ache or the pain
I’ve just felt so many changes within my heart and spirit since their passing
Prior to losing my children, I gave and I gave and I gave
almost losing myself in the process
I put forth way too much energy into things, into people
I ran myself dry emotionally, never thinking about what it was that I needed
I’ve learned so much about boundaries
I’ve learned that I can let go of things that do not serve me
I’ve learned that it’s okay to care about the well being of others
yet, some people don’t need to be present in my life
You can care for people knowing that a relationship isn’t a two way street
I’ve learned that that is okay; life is too short
I’ve learned not to “sweat the small stuff”
I’m fortunate in the things that I do have
as I learned the hard way, what rock bottom looks like
I’m so grateful for each good day
I am grateful for my health and my well-being
I am grateful for any amount of peace I can find in each day
Once you learn what real pain is
you appreciate the good days and small victories so much more
My children have taught me that I deserve happiness
They have taught me that beauty can still be found through your darkest moments
if you choose to do good with it
Life is not easy
but for those of us who have faced losses so great,
we learn the value of each day
We can still feel pain but prosper
We can feel grieve but persevere
I’ve learned that each day is a choice
Some days are much better than others
Some days I still get so angry
Some days I don’t understand why my children aren’t here with me physically
Some days, the pain of wondering what they would look like,
or who they would be now is consuming
Yet, I am so grateful for all of the gifts that they have given me
Grateful that they still encourage me to look ahead and have faith in what is still yet to come
I have found that I am a much better person for having my children be a part of my life
I have found that they encourage me to love myself so much more
They’ve taught me that I am not responsible for the actions of others and we all have free will
On the day my daughter passed away, after her twin brother had already gone to heaven
I had a profound moment of thinking to myself
“now is where you make the choice to die or keep on living”
I knew that I would either crumble inside
or find some kind of way to live without the two most precious gifts I had created
Not every day has been easy
Sometimes I can process my emotions and sometimes I can’t
This is hard for me, as someone who is used to being so organized with their thoughts
I’ve learned in this process that I’m only human
What I’m trying to say here is that
grief after the loss of a child is inevitable
Sometimes the weight of the pain will feel unbearable
But, there is so much we can still learn about ourselves through our children
That is the gift they’ve given to us that not even death can take away
Thank you Dylan & Madelyn
for always helping me to see the light even through the darkness