Contributor Post: I am a Mother.
By Erin Epstein
I am a Mother.
I know it’s hard for you to remember but I’m a Mother too.
I felt that same excitement when I felt the little flutters.
I cried the day I first saw my babies starting to grow inside of me.
I had their names chosen long before I knew they’d be a reality.
I took all of the prenatal vitamins and endlessly researched all of the supplements and do’s and don't of a healthy pregnancy.
I counted the days until I was in “the safe zone”.
I started a baby registry and spent endless nights dreaming of the perfect bassinet in which my babies would sleep in the same room as I slept.
I felt the devastation when the Doctor told me four months into my pregnancy that he didn’t think my babies would survive. I felt the earth shatter beneath me when I learned I could no longer protect my children.
I felt the labor pains on the day my Son entered this world sleeping.
I was told to push to deliver a child that would never take a breath.
I held him in my arms the same way you held your first baby.
He was the most precious thing in the world.
I continued on in my pregnancy praying for a miracle and my daughters survival.
I stayed on bed rest for 9 weeks willing her to live.
In and out of the hospital - feeling that fear daily for a child I wanted to meet just as badly as you did.
I had an emergency c-section and wasn’t awake to hear her first cry.
The first thing I asked when I woke up was if she was ok.
For 10 weeks I would hold her in my arms and tell her stories of the things we would do together.
Sadly, that reality would never come to be.
Today, I am still a Mother. I dream of my children. I pray that they’re okay. I think of the day we will be reunited again and I live my life trying to make them proud.
I wear battle scars below my belly button and I still haven’t shed all of the baby weight.
I am still a Mother who felt the same joy you did looking into my daughters eyes. I fed her, her first bottle and couldn’t wait for her first bath. I clung to every moment knowing that those moments would go by so fast.
I am still a Mother who fought for her children, loved her children and still wonders if I made the right decisions.
I know it’s hard for you to look at me and see a Mother without living children but I am still every bit a Mother as you.
I am a Mother who learned just how precious time is and I hold my sweet babies close to my heart.
To all of the other Mother’s like me who are missing their children, I celebrate you on Mother’s Day and every day moving forward.
What a blessing and a curse to have loved someone so much that we continue to honor them in spite of our grief!