Self Care for Loss Dads

By:  Brent Samuelson, Three Little Birds Perinatal Co-Founder
Originally published by StillMothers.com, June 2017

Nearly three years ago… I can remember the exact moment my wife told me the news I waited my whole life to hear…..I’M GOING TO BE A DAD!

This news can bring out a flood of emotions; for me it was nothing but excitement! I was finally going to be a dad to a little human being! Overwhelming thoughts took over my brain… baby names, nursery paint colors, the joy of telling loved ones all entered my head.
It was amazing as our little girl began to grow in utero. I spent months comparing her to different sizes of fruit. I loved feeling her fluttering around in my wife’s swollen belly. I know that I had a glow that everyone could surely see and feel. I was going to be a dad!!! That glow quickly subsided to a pool of tears when we received the life shattering news that our baby girl Jimmie Anne, had no heartbeat. I was trying not to panic…..this was just a fluke right!?! They are going to find her heartbeat and this scare was just going to be a blip on the radar. We would go home and everything was going to continue on as it was supposed to! Panic was absolutely starting to set in but I was consumed with trying to ease my wife’s worry. Then, three doctors, confirmed our worst fears when they so nonchalantly said the worst words I’ve ever heard in my life….“I’m sorry but there is no longer a heartbeat”. I began to cry as soon as the doctor looked at us, before he had even said those words…No, this couldn’t be real we’re good healthy happy people! This is something we wanted so badly and now it was all taken from us in such a cruel and torturous manner.

I spent the next couple of hours painfully calling up loved ones and shatter their hopes and dreams too. During the 48 hours that led up to our baby’s delivery, I did my best to comfort and console my wife, for I was now in protective mode. I could not possibly show her how truly devastated I was. She had days ahead in the hospital until we could meet our little girl for the first and only time. She was going through so much physically and emotionally so I knew I had to be her rock. I did not want to leave her side; I needed to be there with her. Every time the medical team came to the room, I had to be there. I, hesitantly, went home to tend to our pets and shower only after our nurse assured me our little girl wasn’t going to come while I was gone. It was important for me to be there to greet our precious baby in my arms so I could protect her and love her as any other proud father would.

I spent the next couple of hours painfully calling up loved ones and shatter their hopes and dreams too. During the 48 hours that led up to our baby’s delivery, I did my best to comfort and console my wife, for I was now in protective mode. I could not possibly show her how truly devastated I was. She had days ahead in the hospital until we could meet our little girl for the first and only time. She was going through so much physically and emotionally so I knew I had to be her rock. I did not want to leave her side; I needed to be there with her. Every time the medical team came to the room, I had to be there. I, hesitantly, went home to tend to our pets and shower only after our nurse assured me our little girl wasn’t going to come while I was gone. It was important for me to be there to greet our precious baby in my arms so I could protect her and love her as any other proud father would.

After nearly two days of labor, our little angel was born silently at nearly 28 weeks. She was so very beautiful, a perfect blending of us both and proof of the power of DNA. We spent the next four hours holding and loving our baby the only way we knew how during that time.

After leaving the hospital, we walked out to a cruel new world. Triggers were everywhere and I had not even had a chance to acknowledge my own pain as I was so consumed with easing her pain and suffering, I completely ignored my own. I spent countless hours doing everything I possibly could do for my wife as she healed from the physical and emotional trauma she endured. She was a shell of her former happy-go-lucky self and in more pain than I could even imagine. I just wanted to help take all the pain away and make everything alright again.

But then, there was also my pain. How would I face people? How would I be able to go back to work in the very same hospital Jimmie was born and died? What do I do with all the love and joy I feel even though she is gone? I just wanted to make everything alright again!!!

Over the course of the next few weeks, we lived in a blur. I remember feeling so physically exhausted, I felt I needed to be hung from a medieval rack to ease the tension and pain grief can manifest. Shortly after the fog lifted, it was time for the holidays and everyone else’s life continued to move forward while we felt stuck. Somehow, we made it through the holidays, but shortly after, it was apparent I needed to begin the process of grieving and healing. I really did believe that I was doing a good job with the process and that’s when I developed a case of shingles and had a near emotional breakdown around the time of Jimmie’s anticipated due date. It was proof positive that I wasn’t doing as good of a job as I thought. What could be done different I thought?!? I continued to read articles trying to discover what was going on and realized I needed to set some boundaries with myself and what was around me.

I remember wanting to yell at a young pregnant woman who I saw smoking and tell her my baby died for no reason. Why are you intentionally harming yourself and your child?!?! This in sighted fits of rage within me. Receiving text messages from family of their children is still very painful but also brings me joy. I was jealous that I was not going to be able to share those same photos and our precious child would never be a part of them all the while loving my niece and nephews as if they were my own. Participating and viewing social media became a huge trigger for me, especially around holidays like Father’s Day, Halloween and those that follow at the end of the year.

Once I realized I needed to make time for my grief and set some boundaries, I quickly found it is imperative you be kind to yourself. No one else truly knows the gravity of what you have been through and it is important to set boundaries with yourself and others as you heal….As a loss dad, here is what I have found helpful in my healing journey:

• Understand, your feelings are valid…no matter how varied they might be. You have dealt with something so incredibly life changing and it will take time to make sense of it all and process what has happened.

 

• Know that you can’t fix it all. Men always feel the need to fix things, but some things simply cannot be fixed. As impossible as it seems, just being and supporting you and your partner’s emotions is the most effective thing you can do. It is a roller coaster, all of which are normal in the un-normal world of baby loss. No matter what, you are doing the best you can. That is all that matters.

 

• Don’t be afraid to talk about your child! Many people think bringing up someone we lost incites pain, but it gives the grieving the permission to share thoughts and feelings they may have been afraid to share before. Listen to them, they won’t be sad. In fact, it will most likely make their day!

 

• But realize, there are people who you will not be able to connect with in your loss, including immediate family members. They may also unknowingly say insensitive or hurtful things. Understand that not everyone is emotionally capable of understanding and supporting you. Set boundaries with those who don’t and embrace those who can and do. Most people are searching for something comforting to say to “fix” your situation and get lost in platitudes and religious sentiments. Just understand, they will never understand what you are going through and they are most likely not trying to be insensitive; they are just uninformed.

 

• Stay off social media! We choose what we look at online so it is important to know that avoiding unexpected triggers may be a good place to start. There will be a time you can return and feel safe, but avoiding triggers on social media as you heal may be super helpful.

 

• Reach out to other loss dads! There is no better support out there than a dad who can empathize. Encourage your family’s involvement in Pregnancy and Infant Loss events, fundraisers and memorials. Creating your own empathetic community around you is the closest you can get to fixing things, as well as making lifelong friends. These friends will know there is nothing they can say and can provide you with the encouragement and space to grieve without judgment or the need to fix it for you.

 

• Sometimes life after loss feels like one step forward, two steps back. Be kind to yourself! This is a difficult dance…you are still a spouse, father, son, friend and have a life you are trying to return to. It is going to take time, but I assure you, you will be marching to the beat of your own drummer in time.

 

• Remember, it is ok to not be ok. Some days will be remarkably easier than others and the following day will seem impossible. Participating in self care and encouraging your partner to do the same will help you both heal.

 

• Death cannot separate the bonds we share in life. You will always be your baby’s Dad and no amount of time and space can change that. Find a way to memorialize your child that is personal to you. Some people get tattoos. Others write poetry or start legacy projects. There is healing in this connection and because of that, I get to see and feel my daughter every day.

 

• BE KIND TO YOURSELF, FRIEND.